During my first two years as a Dean of Students (Assistant Principal), I struggled combatting teachers’ perceptions of the behavioral standards to which we were holding students accountable. I tried to be as responsive as possible to my teachers’ needs. When teachers called me for help, I’d grab the student(s) in question from their class and assign appropriate consequences. If teachers sent me an email, I’d follow up with students when I could and assign consequences. I’d then inform teachers of the consequences students received. I thought this was exactly what I was supposed to do as a Dean of Students – assign consequences to students, reintegrate them back to class, and make sure teachers were aware of what was going on.
Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like many teachers saw it that way. I regularly received feedback from teachers that I needed to do more to hold students accountable. I was dumbfounded when I heard a lot of this feedback. Students were being suspended, parents were being contacted, and teachers received communication about what was going on. I didn’t know what else I could do. My days at school were jam-packed, and I was regularly taking work home. I didn’t see how I could do any more.
It all started to change when I changed one thing about how I approached my work. I started making apologies and restorative conversations required aspects of disciplinary follow-ups. Before, or immediately after, I allowed students to go back to the class where they committed an offense, I facilitated a restorative conversation between the student and teacher. I’d give the student an apology letter template to fill out and the student would read off the paper if they didn’t think they could follow through without it. The teacher would then usually thank the student for their apology and welcome them back into the classroom. Oftentimes, the release of tension between the teacher and student was palpable.
It’s after a couple of these conversations that I realized how important restorative conversations with simple apologies were to the perception that students were being appropriately held accountable. Above all else, these conversations drastically improved the relationship between the student and teacher involved.
This is what I learned about how apologies can significantly shift teachers’ thoughts on whether students are being assigned appropriate consequences and repair student-teacher relationships.
Student infractions in a classroom frequently hurt the relationship between the teacher and student. At the same time, relationships can be harmed by teachers assigning consequences or referring students to an administrator. Without any closure between the teacher and student, the relationships starts to deteriorate with every future misstep. Simple actions like a student not completing their homework or a teacher not calling on a student can be misconstrued to be intentional malicious actions. That’s why teachers used to think that students weren’t being held accountable before I started to facilitate apologies on a regular basis. Students would go back into their classrooms after receiving their consequences, but both parties would be on edge. This would cause students to continue to misbehave (because they didn’t think teachers cared about them) and teachers to continue to be frustrated by their students (because they thought students were intentionally disrespecting them).
It’s important to recognize that an apology is a way to start repairing the harm created by the student and/or teacher. It’s incredible how much better teachers feel about a student after receiving an apology from them. This simple act lets the teacher know that the student has learned something and is ready to move on. Furthermore, the student gets to hear supportive words directly from the teacher and know that they are being welcomed back into class.
Administrators who handle student discipline need to know that apologies are a treatment that should never be delayed or avoided. I believe that consequences should be assigned to hold students accountable for their actions, but don’t think consequences are the end all be all. In the end, we want students to change their behaviors, and restorative conversations with apologies are key elements to make that happen.
