“I don’t want you to think about me as your teacher. I want you to think of me as your older brother/sister or friend.” Flags went up anytime I heard a teacher share something like that. I know what the teacher wanted to do – they were trying to build relationships with students by bringing down any barriers between them and their students.
What about the other extreme?
“I’m not your friend. I’m the authority in the classroom. It’s my job to teach you math, not to get to know you.” Flags went up here too. They wanted to be the utmost professionals in their roles. These teachers didn’t want the potential for any lines to be blurred in their work.
Then what’s the right approach?
Students are People Too
When thinking about how to build relationships with students, it serves to think about them as people. All people thrive with connection and community, and students are no exception. As a teacher, it’s up to you to establish that sense of connection and community with the students in your classroom.
But you need to remember that they aren’t fully grown adults just yet. They are impressionable children or young adults (depending on the age group you work with). They are looking to you for guidance on what to think and do, and how to behave.
It can feel like a heavy burden to carry but it’s not an impossible one. There are plenty of ways you can build relationships with students. Here are five of them that you can leverage in your classroom today.
Five Ways to Build Relationships with Students
Be authentic
Students will know when you’re putting on an act. There isn’t a “type” of teacher that students will prefer over another. I’ve seen students be totally bought into both “no-nonsense” teachers and “cool” teachers. What students care about most is that they know whom they’re speaking to.
- Example: I started to connect with my students when I leaned into my “goofy” and “cheesy” side. I would hold them accountable when the situation warranted it, but also tell them cheesy dad jokes at the appropriate times. When I made that change, I had students tell me that they liked the “new” me better.
Share your stories
You can’t expect a student to open up to you if you don’t open up to them. Talk to them about your experiences in school, why you are teaching, challenges you’ve faced, and your dreams for the future. (Of course, anything you share with them has to be school and age appropriate.)
- Example: I learned that you can’t assume students think you want to be there for them. They also won’t believe you want to be there when you tell them. They’ll believe you when you start opening up and sharing your stories. It’s as if they sense you are “going all-in” with them when you are vulnerable with them.
Get to know them
Show them they are more than a name on your roster by reaching out to them. Take an interest in what their lives are like outside of school. Students will be more bought into you if they feel you are bought into them. Let them feel seen by checking in with them if you notice something different about them.
- Example: It was always an incredible experience to see students who dragged their feet in class suddenly light up in the middle of a soccer game or drum performance. I loved seeing a whole different side of my students. And they loved sharing that side with me too!
Recognize their work
Praise them when they are meeting or exceeding expectations. Correct them when their behavior isn’t aligned with the standards you set in class. Sometimes, it can be easier to notice the mistakes rather than the successes. Make an effort to identify both.
- Example: One year, I learned that it can take between 3-12 positive instances (praise) to make up for one negative instance (constructive feedback). I started to praise students as often as I could for everything they were doing well. They loved it! I even had students coming up to me to show me their perfect uniform attire so that they get some praise.
Help them feel safe
Establish clear classroom expectations and be consistent with how you enforce them in your classroom. Students want to know what to expect when they walk into a classroom. It isn’t comforting to walk into a classroom and not know which rules will be enforced that day and which will be ignored.
- Example: When I was a High School Dean of Students, one of the issues I regularly addressed was inconsistent expectations. Students would get so mad when they got in trouble for something that they normally got away with. They didn’t understand why things were suddenly different and it frustrated them.
